


Wash's Space Brothel

by Blueberryshortcake



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Gen, Machina brothel, Not actually a sexy story funny enough, Shannon McCormick is completely to blame for this, Wash's Cat Cafe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-20 22:42:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14903523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueberryshortcake/pseuds/Blueberryshortcake
Summary: Tucker and Caboose visit Wash’s cat cafe, but Tucker gets curious about what’s upstairs.





	Wash's Space Brothel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jomeimei421](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Jomeimei421).



> So there's this interview of Shannon McCormick on youtube where he talks about Wash retiring and what he gets up to.

“Oh! Hi guys!  I’ll be with you in a sec.” 

 

Tucker looked around. The little cat cafe on Colony 616 seemed to have expanded since the last time they dropped in. It was a nice warm room in cheerful yellow. All over the place were places for cats (and patrons) to flop themselves down. 

 

“Hello!” Caboose said cheerfully petting a grey tabby gently. “You look like Agent Washington.” 

 

“Just Wash now, Caboose, remember?” Wash said pulling off a ridiculous apron that was decorated with cat faces.

 

“Right! Sorry Agent Wash.”

 

“Just Wash, Caboose.” Tucker tried.

 

“Just Wash. Right. Where should we sit Just Wash?”

 

“Anywhere you like buddy,” Wash gestured, giving up. 

 

Caboose flopped down on a large beanbag. He was instantly covered by the two tabbys and a fluffy black and white. 

 

“You know, I miss that.” Wash snorted. He turned his attention to Tucker. “So, you guys are far from Chorus.”

 

“Oh man, don’t get me started on what brought us all the way out here--I mean it’s good to see you and shit, but fuck dude. The shit we get into.” Tucker groused. 

 

“Yeeaah, and that’s why I’m retired. No more insane adventures for me.” Wash went over to the counter and poured some coffee and hot chocolate. He quickly confirmed with his clerk before heading back. 

 

“Thank you Just--we’ve known each other so long, I can call you just Just right?” Caboose asked taking the hot chocolate. 

 

“Of course, Caboose,” Wash said dryly handing the coffee to Tucker. “So, how are the others?”

 

“Oh the Reds are up to their usual antics. Carolina still doing the solo space hero thing?”

 

“Yep, HER crazy adventures are a lot less… crazy than yours.” 

 

“I know, we have a talent for it,” Tucker rolled his eyes. “So what are their names?” He asked. “I should take Junior here one day…”

  
“Family friendly down here,” Wash said. He pointed to each of the cats, “Mogli, Boots, Benny, Sparky, Poppy, and Major Tom. We work with a local shelter, so these guys are adoptable.”

 

“That’s great man,” Tucker smiled. “You know, it’s really good that you’ve found yourself a stable, non-crazy, thing for your--”

 

“WASH! I NEED YOU UPSTAIRS!!!” 

 

Tucker jumped. “Wait--WAIT Is that … Kai?” 

 

“Uh… no. You’re hearing things,” Wash said quickly. He looked from the innocuous stairwell by the counter back to Tucker. “Five seconds.” 

 

Wash disappeared. Tucker frowned.

 

“...That really sounded like Kaikaina. Didn’t it?” He looked at Caboose, who was now covered by five out of six of the cats. 

 

“I don’t know what you mean, Tucker,” Caboose answered trying to pet all the cats at once.

 

“It was definitely her. She totally ditched us remember? Said she had to get back to the ‘real world.’ And Wash did mention an ‘old friend’ helped him get the property. That was totally Kai. Why is he hiding it?”

 

Tucker crossed his arms. Sure they didn’t see each other as much anymore, but he still considered Wash a friend. Maybe it was because Kai was technically his ex? (Because that TOTALLY counted as a sex thing, it went in. That’s a sex--). But Wash wasn’t really that sensitive. 

 

“Caboose. I’m going up there,” Tucker said in determination.

 

“Tucker, I can’t move.” 

 

Six cats now buried Caboose in the beanbag all of them purring loudly. 

 

“It’s okay. I’ll go it alone.” 

 

Before he could reach the first step one of the staff members blocked his way.

 

“What’s the password.” 

 

“Password??” Tucker blinked.

 

“Damn,” The staff member shuffled to one side. “We should have never let Jones pick the password.” 

 

“Wait the password is password--why is there a password?” 

 

The counter clerk didn’t answer, busy helping another customer who was complaining about the guy in blue armor hogging all the cats.

 

“Well then…” Tucker headed up the stairs, but at the top his way was barred by a big tough looking lady. 

 

“I’m gonna have to see ID, sir.”

 

“ID???” Tucker pressed his finger to the computer scanner which beeped in acceptance. The bouncer (Bouncer?!?) moved out of his way. Just as he was about to open the door Wash came through. He looked caught out and quickly slammed the door behind him before Tucker could get a look at what exactly was going on.

 

“Tucker!” Wash’s voice had gone high. “What are you doing up here?”

 

“The password was password,” Tucker said, deadpan.

 

“Jones,” Wash muttered. “Alright, well, nothing to see here, so let’s go back downstairs.” 

 

“Uh, no, there’s obviously something to see here! Why do I need  piece of ID to see the upstairs of a cat cafe? Why is there a password? And why is Kai here? I know it was her! Come on dude, we’re friends, what aren’t you telling me?”

 

Wash looked at him for a long moment, deciding something.

 

“Nope.”

 

“Nope?”

 

“Yeah, it’s not happening, you would… no it’s not a good idea.” 

 

“Come on!”

 

The door opened again. “Oh you’re still here good--Fuck! Tucker?” 

 

“HA!” Tucker shouted pointing at Kai Grif damningly. “Wait--what’s going on back there?” The door was still open and there was...  he went on his tippy toes trying to see what EXACTLY he was looking at. 

 

“I thought you weren’t going to show them upstairs.”

 

“I wasn’t. Jones made the password.”

 

“Fucking hell. Look Tucker. I’m sure you would enjoy our super sexy space armor brothel, but we only allow paying customers and you--” Kai began.

 

Wash dropped his head in defeat.

 

“WHAT?!?!” It was Tucker’s turn to go shrill. “YOU HAVE A BROTHEL AND YOU DIDN’T TELL ME!??!” 

 

“SHHH!” Wash dragged him inside closing the door. “Do you want everyone to know?”

 

Tucker wasn’t listening. He was staring at the… the… oh… all the…

 

“We’ve lost him,” Kai sighed. “I told you his brain would melt.” 

 

“And I agreed,” Wash crossed his arms. 

 

“Why do you have a space brothel?” Tucker finally managed, although his eyes didn’t leave what that person in Purple armor was doing to the one in Lime Green. 

 

“It’s a good revenue stream,” Wash said slowly. “And… I love the Cafe. I love the cats but…”

 

“He was bored,” Kai answered brightly. “Luckily he knows the right people to hook him up. Having a semi-legal machina space brothel above a Cat Cafe adds an element of excitement, don’t you think?”

 

“Bow chicka bow wow--uh I mean… yeah… yeah I can see that, I can see all of thaaaat.” Tucker was glad he had his helmet on, he was getting hot--it was getting hot. It. “So… it’s only paying customers?”

 

“Yes,” Kai said flatly. “Although with your track record it would probably be pretty cheap for you.”

 

“Hey!”

 

“Okay, okay, I’m calling it, we’re going back downstairs. Who knows what Caboose could get up to by himself with six cats.”

 

“I’ll just… stay up here… you know… take an interest in your… interests.” 

 

Wash sighed. “An hour. You have an hour and we never speak of it again.”

 

“You’remybestfriendthankyouWash.” 

 

Wash sighed heading back downstairs. 

 

“Caboose?”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Why are there eight cats on you? There were only six.” 

 

“I made friends.” 


End file.
